What’s a popular way of dissecting, breaking down, and trying to analyse love before you get married?
Tests and profiling, of course! It’s been around forever.
I remember those cringe worthy Facebook quizzes and apps that “calculate” your love score/compatibility back in my secondary school days. I’m pretty sure they’re still lurking at a corner of my profile.
Presently, we have a whole swathe of tests and ‘love profiling”, with one of the most well-known ones being based on Gary Chapman’s concept of the “5 Love Languages”. He categories the type of love that we “speak” and of which we are most receptive to, namely:
Words of Affirmation
“Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward.”
Love Language: “Honey, do I look fat in this?” “No bb, you’re absolutely gorgeous I luv choo.”
“In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved.”
Love Language: I’d pick Netflix and chill with you over anything else.
“Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.”
Love Language: You are worth the two hour queue for these salted egg yolk croissants.
Acts of Service
Image via today.com
“Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.”
Love Language: Not my turn to do household chores but I did it for you orreddy.
“This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.”
Love Language: Your body is a wonderland.
So I took the quiz and to my astonishment, I got a score of eight points each for ‘Acts of Service’, ‘Words of Affirmation’ and ‘Quality Time’ respectively!
What is this? Am I being bamboozled? Turns out it’s called being trilingual, or having three primary love languages. Sounds a bit fluffy, but alright fine, I’ll take that.
Personally, I’d choose words of affirmation over everything else. I will bloom in a garden of assurance, encouragement and praise, but my boyfriend is just so bad at words. I’ve taken to unabashedly saying “Please just comfort me. Don’t lecture me or give me advice”.
And even then it doesn’t quite work out the way I expected. Trust the mathematical science graduate to use a statistical analogy to try and comfort me. It did make me confused instead of sad so I guess it did work… in a roundabout way.
To find out if I was “communicating well” or at least on the same wavelength with my boyfriend, I made him take the test as well. Cue some grumbling but he got it done. His result was ‘Quality Time’. Ooo common ground! Jackpot right? Nope.
I appreciate quality time, of course I do. But nonetheless, I’m still pretty bad at dispensing quality time. I do this thing called “octopus-ing around”, whereby I juggle too many things at the same time. So a typical situation would be us having dinner, me half-listening to his recount of the day, doing work on my laptop and answering the occasional call or message.
So with this clash in our purported love languages, does tie a noose around our relationship? What I realized from this multitude of profiles, tests, markers of a couple’s love and compatibility is that it’s not set in stone.
Rather, I think that a blend of love languages, perhaps one unique to your relationship, could be the one that keeps it going. Physical touch may not be my so-called primary language, but it certainly can help to complement or even compensate for the lack of something else.
Because I know my boyfriend is so terribly inept at words of affirmation, I revise my expectations a little. I let different languages speak to my heart instead. He does the same by being gracious about my tendency to multi-task (badly) and appreciating the little crafts and cards I make for him.
Ultimately, the more reliable measure of compatibility is how much the both of you are willing to compromise. Here’s to hoping that you guys make it count ya!